Thursday, May 20, 2010

Plagiarism! The Fast And Easy Way To Write Poetry.

Things to do today:
-Pick up cat litter/toothpaste
-Return library books/More Jackie Collins!
- Try encapsulating beauty and passion in measure and elevate it to some kind of truth recognized by the subconscious as emotional sentiment distilled into words.
- Shoot myself out of a cannon in the backyard.

Seriously. It’s much easier than trying to write poetry.

Anything’s easier than writing poetry. Go ahead, put crowns on ALL of my teeth! What’s that, a giant bee hive? What are you waiting for? Let’em out! I’ll just stand here in my bikini. Up until now, writing poetry has been a lonely, angst –ridden affair full of self-loathing, doubt, terrible hangovers and an odd smell coming from one of the sofa cushions. Not anymore!
Now there’s a fast, fun and easy way to find your voice and empty your subconscious onto a blank piece of paper and it's called...


Poets have toiled away for centuries trying to find the perfect way to express the mysteries of the mind, the complexity of emotions, oh heck! a reason for the whole darn universe. Some of them have even died trying while everyone else was out playing volleyball. Now it’s time to sit back, relax and let your forebearers do all the work for you. No need to ruin relationships, drink yourself silly or hide from the IRS for the sake of art anymore. Plagiarism is the simplest way to write poetry, novels, short stories and even letters to the editor. 

No need to get stuck in the agony of creativity anymore!
No more insurmountable moments of distorted self-consciousness. No more elements of wonder and engagement with time. No more sifting through memory for lost moments that need to be expressed. No more dictionaries and thesauruses to make a fool of you. Most of all, no more critics! This is foolproof writing at its best. Every line, every word has already been perfectly chosen courtesy of someone else’s blood, sweat and tears! It’s so easy, even a very bad poet can do it. Here’s a little something I whipped up in less than 30 seconds!

 The Lonely Bliss Of Falling In Love With A Poem

 It's all I have to bring today
This, and my heart beside

This, and my heart, and all the fields 
so I went to the worst of bars hoping

to get killed but all I could do
was to get drunk again.

It is always a matter, my darling, 
Of life or death, as I had forgotten      
I wish what I wished you before, 
but harder. I have been to lots of parties
and acted perfectly disgraceful 
but I never actually collapsed
oh Lana Turner we love you get up
because the birthday of my life is come
my love is come to me. You look up 
at the world & go: oh and it set you going
like a fat gold watch. 
the midwife slapped your footsoles
and your bald cry took its place 
among the elements of the scenes
our dreams have painted and when you're advised 
what they symbolized we'll begin to feel 
acquainted. Each night now I tie 
ten dollars and your car key to my thigh.
Easy breazy. 

Emily Dickinson, Charles Bukowski, Robert Lowell, Frank O’Hara, Richard Wilbur, Sylvia Plath, Christina Rossetti, Eileen Myles and Dorothy Parker will NEVER know the difference. So have fun! And may all your literary dreams come true in less than an hour.

 I'd stay away from Rod McKuen though. 
Apparently he ‘s on to us.