Let's Go A-Caroling! On Second Thought, Let's Drink Grain Alcohol Instead!

Since the holidays are still pointing and laughing at us from on top of our Christmas trees and nuns are out in the cold smoking cigarettes and getting ready for Jesus's big birthday party, (Shhh, it's a surprise this year!) I'm guessing there are strange relatives coming in and out of your bathroom doing lord knows what and Uncle Stan is hovering over you as you read this with whisky on his breath asking, "you got any porn on that thing?"

Now might be a good time for a little bad poetry. After all it does say THE VERY BAD POET up there on the marquee. Time to put my money where my mouth is. Although last time I did,  I ended up in a womens correctional facility with a delightful bunkmate named 'Carla' who flushed my shoes down the toilet while I was sleeping. She also got great joy out of kicking me in the shins. We eventually became BFF's after I gave her all of my clean underwear and became very good at her favorite game 'Where did Carla hide her teeth?'

I should send her a Christmas card.

Anywhoodles, here are a few bad poems from B IS FOR BAD POETRY to warm your cockles. If they get too warm, you should probably see a doctor.

Nietzsche And The Ice-Cream Truck
God is dead.
But this atomic
berry blast Popsicle
is heavenly.

A Brief History Of Feminism
Sally sells seashells
by the seashore
as if people didn't know
you could just
go to the beach
and find them yourself.

Unfortunate Cookie
You will soon meet someone
who will bring you much joy and love.

Eventually they will devour your soul
like it's a hot dog eating championship.

Motto
When one door closes
another door opens
onto a cliff.

How To Reprimand a Cynical Optimist
You can have your cake
and eat it too
but don't let me catch you
five minutes later
in the bathroom
with your finger
down your throat.

From B IS FOR BAD POETRY 2009 By Pamela August Russell
Publisher: Sterling
ISBN: 1-4027-6787-0
ISBN13: 9781402767876
$9.95 US
Hardcover with Jacket (not fur)