Tuesday, April 5, 2011

April Really Is The Cruelest Month--Your Horoscope As Forecast By Your Ex-Girlfriend

A hearty HELLO dear reader! There's been a lapse since my last posting but I'm quite sure my diatribe on WRITERS BLOCK in my last blog almost nine years ago should explain everything. If I had more creative gumption I would lie and tell you wild tales of my travels on tour with Charlie Sheen as Goddess #3. Hey, Natalie and Rachel! Miss you! Love you! I'll call you tonight!

But I don't so I won't.

The problem with blogs is that you actually have to write them.

 Apparently, I prefer to lounge around in my underwear singing Merle Haggard songs and reading my horoscope. 

If there happen to be bon-bons, whipped cream and gin involved, well, it's none of your damn business. All I know is when I came to, I had somehow magically written my own astrological forecasts  for April.

What any of this has to do with writing or bad poetry I have no idea. Perhaps the planets know. I certainly don't remember...

Note To Self: Call Charlie about bounced paycheck. Probably just an accounting error.

 Your April Horoscope As Forecast By Your Ex-girlfriend

Aries: Several large planets will influence your career this month. Most notably, your mother. Now would be a good time to get your own place like a big boy instead of sitting around drinking Zima and playing video golf all day. With the sun’s passage through your sign, you may want to start thinking about a new job. I mean seriously Jeff, you can’t be a waiter forever.

Gemini: You’re a cerebral sign, dear Gemini, so good luck getting a date this month. Jupiter will most likely enter your house of love and rifle through your underwear drawer. Aligned with Aries, it just means you’re over the hill. Lovely Venus will have you dressing like the Jonah’s Brothers and dancing again but don’t get too excited, everyone thought you looked ridiculous doing the robot. You’re almost thirty, Jeff! Grow up. Summer may highlight family issues so now would be a good time to refill those old Zoloft prescriptions. Especially since your brother Ned’s a sociopath. Oh, and he tried to kiss me when we all went to Miami for spring break. (which I paid for)

Taurus: If anybody loves being on their home turf, Taurus, it’s you. Seriously, it was like living with Howard Hughes. I don’t count going to the Outback Steak House once a month with Deb and Rick as going out either. The sun, Mercury and Venus will pass through your house of personality this year. Honestly, I’d be surprised if they found anything. How I ever dated you is beyond me. My therapist says I was self-medicating at the time so I’m running with that. Mars will be ruling your house of sexuality and desire so I’m guessing you’ll be on the internet quite a bit again. Don’t think I don’t know, Jeff. Guess who pays all the bills?

Cancer: This month, Pluto is holding court in your house of relationships where he’ll stay for years. Just like the herpes you gave me on our third date. Add in Jupiter to your house of long-distance relationships and you’ve got the perfect recipe for travel. But since you hate to fly, once again I’m going to Kauai alone like last year. Mars will be pushing through your house of professional matters so maybe now you can stop sleeping with your boss. If he hasn’t promoted you yet, he isn’t going to. I may be na├»ve, Jeff but even I know you and Mr. Slater are doing it in his office during lunch breaks. I will miss our shopping sprees though. Oh, and thanks for that cute little peach sweater from T.J. Maxx.

Leo: Mars will be storming through your house of appearance more than usual. Thank god! You were such a schlub when we were together. It was like dating someone who was just in a roadside bombing. It worked for Curt Cobain but you just looked homeless. With Aries in your house of finance maybe now you can afford to buy some new underwear. Leo’s have always been endowed with charm and wit. But not you, Jeff. You could put a busload of school children on a sugar high to sleep. Fortunately, you’re a fire sign and enjoy being alone. Get used to it pal.

Virgo: Four planets will make their way through your house of love affairs this month. That’s one more than the number of tramps that made their way through our bedroom. Let’s remember, shall we? There was Christina, Jill and Erta. What was she, Dutch? Who the hell is Dutch? Atleast those were the ones I knew about. Dutiful Capricorn will be urging you to settle down this year but you can’t because you like all the drama and attention. It was fine in high school but you’re not on the cheerleading squad anymore, Jeff. Don’t make any plans after March when mighty Jupiter enters your house of desire and steals all your condoms.

Libra: When Jupiter enters romantic Pisces on April 12th, that’ll be the most foreplay I’ve seen in years. What am I? Chopped liver? We haven’t had sex in six months. Seriously, Jeff, is it because I put on a little weight? I told you I’d pay for the piano movers you had to hire for me to leave the apartment. When Mercury turns direct in May, all your secrets will come spilling out. I spoke to your therapist and he thinks it’s because you’re mother had that affair with your Uncle Frank. You didn’t know? Well, now you do. Have no fear, dear Libra, your loved ones will continue to disappoint you for years to come!

Scorpio: Lucky you, Scorpio! This month the stars gift-giver, Jupiter, will bring you plenty of admirers! Even ones you don’t want. I’ll be conspiring with the solar eclipse to sneak into your house and hide in your closet until you get home from work. Armed with the magnetism of Mercury, I’ll be sniffing your shirts and sleeping in your bed while you’re out on a date with that blonde bimbo you’ve been seeing. Venus will enter your house of secrets and steal your birth certificate so she can make your life a living hell. Oh, and don’t think a restraining order is going to keep me away this time. I still have keys to the shed.

Sagittarius: You’re famous for being chatty, dear Sagittarius. Even with four planets in your house of communications I still can’t get you to tell me what you want in your damn omelette let alone get you to say you love me. It’s like living with Helen Keller. Even she figured out a way to communicate! Sadly, Jupiter will be dancing around your house of communications all year. So if you’re smart, you’ll turn down the music because you and I need to talk, Jeff. I need more. I can’t be the only one doing all the emotional work in this relationship. Luckily, helpful Saturn has a color chart ready to go! Red for  ‘I don’t know’, blue for ‘I’m hungry’ and green for ‘more beer please’.  How easy is that dear Sagittarius?

Capricorn: This year I’m counting on all those Capricorn qualities: duty, respectability, responsibility, and, most important, the determination to keep every promise you make. Except when it comes to having children. Apparently, you just flat out lied about that one. I believe the words ‘I Love Kids!’ were even uttered during our first love-making session. Thank goodness balance-loving Libra will tiptoe through your house of relationships this year. She better tiptoe, sweet Capricorn! If she so much as looks at me the wrong way, I swear I’m going right back to Kent who still loves me and doesn’t lie about really important crap like that. The moon in Gemini will make you gassy as well.

Aquarius: This will be quite an interesting month for you, Aquarius!  Especially in the emotions department. Seriously, I talked to your sister and we both think you have adult ADD. It would be great if you went to see Dr. Clark. I just hate coming home and seeing such a mess. And by 'mess' I mean you, Jeff. How does anyone end up with so much magic marker on them? Hopefully, several planetary allies, especially Uranus and some St. Johns Wort will help with monetary gains since I’m tired of paying for everything because you can’t keep a job. When Venus goes retrograde in March, I’m going to stay with my Aunt Liz for a few weeks. Hopefully by then, you’ll have figured out how the dishwasher works.

Pisces: Saturn, the planet of friendship will play a special role this month dear Pisces. Namely, eating me out of house and home and sleeping on my new carpets. Fat Eddie is especially a problem. I think you know why. The man is like a scene out of a Monty Python sketch. I’ll never get those stains out! Benevolent Jupiter is going to ride your ass until you figure out that you’re a big boy now. You want to drink until the cows come home? Go sleep in the friggin’ barn! Sensitive Virgo would like to get a good night’s sleep before her parents show up this weekend! When Mercury goes retrograde on the 29th, I’ll be in Seattle with Kent having the time of my life. Happy fucking April, Jeff.


  1. I am going to NYC to perform in the next leg of Charlie's tour - seriously you haven't gotten paid yet?! Call me!

    Ginger Amber Tiffany-Lee


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